Wednesday, February 8, 2012
My beautiful parents.
My parents are the best in the whole wide world!!!!
I miss you mommy so much.
Xox
I miss you mommy so much.
Xox
All about me part 3!!!!
Ryan was laid to rest. As my family and I covered Ryan's Coffin with the earth from the ground I watched my mother and my father. No matter what I was feeling and no matter what I was going through the pain was so much worse watching my two parents. All of our lives had been shattered, and all of our hearts had been broken BUT to watch my parents... It was the most wrenching pain of all.
Shiva began and for the next 7 days we were visited by our family and our dear friends. The stream of people never stopped. The out pouring of love and affection by everyone was unbelievable. The house was packed everyday and every night. Shiva, is a week long mourning period for Jewish people. It is for the loss of a parent, a child or a sibling. My father had asked his Rabbi about he being able to sit Shiva for Ryan as well. Grandparents don't usually sit Shiva for a grandchild but Ryan was a child to my parents and my father's Rabbi told him that yes he could that Ryan was in his heart his child also. During Shiva all of your mirrors must be covered, you don't wear leather or jewelry, men don't shave and you don't bathe or shower for pleasure, only to clean yourself. So on the first morning after Ryan's Funeral I took a shower. After my shower I walked over to the sink and I looked up. There was one mirror that hadn't been covered but me being so out of it I didn't realize and I happened to glance in to the mirror by accident. I will never forget what I saw. I saw two black holes where my eyes were. They were like tunnels going through to the back of my head. I saw two black holes with no life in them. I quickly turned away from the mirror when I realized that I shouldn't have been looking.
All during the Shiva my mother sat very quietly. I remember my brother asking us "Why is mommy so quiet." I remember saying I guess that's how she's dealing with it. Actually it was the shock of Ryan's death that was the beginning of the end of my mother. Two years later my mother died from ALS.
We were visited by many Rabbis and it was truly a Blessing for all of us. They each sat with me and explained to me about death and heaven and about Ryan. It really helped me become closer to where Ryan's Soul would be. I remember sitting and listening to each session after the nightly Prayers that were held by one of our visiting Rabbis. The tears would be flowing uncontrollably from my eyes. I didn't even bother to wipe them as they were just pouring out of my eyes nonstop. I was crying for my Ryan but I was also crying for feeling that I was just a little closer to my beautiful son Ryan.
On the day before Shiva ended which was a Friday I needed to get out of the house so I decided to take a walk. I walked out of the front door and I guess I never told anyone that I was going for a walk. Now me who ALWAYS has her cell phone did not have it with me on my walk. I didn't want to talk to anybody I just needed to take a walk. I walked and walked and walked faster and faster around the park crying my eyes out. I had never felt so alone in my life. My Ryan was gone and he was never coming back. I was so scared and so lonely. I was 23 when I had my little boy and Ryan had been my best buddy. We hung out all of the time and we talked 20-30 times a day. WE looked like best friends hanging out all of the time. I was so afraid and so scared and I thought to myself I can't be alone. I don't want to be alone.
Well little did I know that everybody was frantic in the house not knowing where I was. Now it's not like me to just disappear. Everybody knows where I am at all times so everybody was really worried. When I did arrive back a the house I was surrounded by my family wanting to know if i was okay and what had happened. I had been gone I think a few hours. I just explained that I had just taken a walk.
The next night Shiva ended and we all walked around the block which is customary when Shiva ends. It was actually a very sad moment to know that the Shiva was over and all of the comfort from our family and friends was ending also. I found the Shiva very comforting and it really made me feel safe and secure. Now the Shiva was over and now what?
I woke up the next morning and most everyone was back doing what they normally do except for a small few of us. Now what? Why is it that everyone is back doing what they normally do when my world has been shattered, my world has ended. I thought to myself how can people just move on when my world has ended!!!! Only years later did I figure that one out. That yes, life goes on and people move on. That the world doesn't stop for anybody. It took me about 4 years to figure that out but for that moment I just couldn't understand how!
To be continued....
xox
Shiva began and for the next 7 days we were visited by our family and our dear friends. The stream of people never stopped. The out pouring of love and affection by everyone was unbelievable. The house was packed everyday and every night. Shiva, is a week long mourning period for Jewish people. It is for the loss of a parent, a child or a sibling. My father had asked his Rabbi about he being able to sit Shiva for Ryan as well. Grandparents don't usually sit Shiva for a grandchild but Ryan was a child to my parents and my father's Rabbi told him that yes he could that Ryan was in his heart his child also. During Shiva all of your mirrors must be covered, you don't wear leather or jewelry, men don't shave and you don't bathe or shower for pleasure, only to clean yourself. So on the first morning after Ryan's Funeral I took a shower. After my shower I walked over to the sink and I looked up. There was one mirror that hadn't been covered but me being so out of it I didn't realize and I happened to glance in to the mirror by accident. I will never forget what I saw. I saw two black holes where my eyes were. They were like tunnels going through to the back of my head. I saw two black holes with no life in them. I quickly turned away from the mirror when I realized that I shouldn't have been looking.
All during the Shiva my mother sat very quietly. I remember my brother asking us "Why is mommy so quiet." I remember saying I guess that's how she's dealing with it. Actually it was the shock of Ryan's death that was the beginning of the end of my mother. Two years later my mother died from ALS.
We were visited by many Rabbis and it was truly a Blessing for all of us. They each sat with me and explained to me about death and heaven and about Ryan. It really helped me become closer to where Ryan's Soul would be. I remember sitting and listening to each session after the nightly Prayers that were held by one of our visiting Rabbis. The tears would be flowing uncontrollably from my eyes. I didn't even bother to wipe them as they were just pouring out of my eyes nonstop. I was crying for my Ryan but I was also crying for feeling that I was just a little closer to my beautiful son Ryan.
On the day before Shiva ended which was a Friday I needed to get out of the house so I decided to take a walk. I walked out of the front door and I guess I never told anyone that I was going for a walk. Now me who ALWAYS has her cell phone did not have it with me on my walk. I didn't want to talk to anybody I just needed to take a walk. I walked and walked and walked faster and faster around the park crying my eyes out. I had never felt so alone in my life. My Ryan was gone and he was never coming back. I was so scared and so lonely. I was 23 when I had my little boy and Ryan had been my best buddy. We hung out all of the time and we talked 20-30 times a day. WE looked like best friends hanging out all of the time. I was so afraid and so scared and I thought to myself I can't be alone. I don't want to be alone.
Well little did I know that everybody was frantic in the house not knowing where I was. Now it's not like me to just disappear. Everybody knows where I am at all times so everybody was really worried. When I did arrive back a the house I was surrounded by my family wanting to know if i was okay and what had happened. I had been gone I think a few hours. I just explained that I had just taken a walk.
The next night Shiva ended and we all walked around the block which is customary when Shiva ends. It was actually a very sad moment to know that the Shiva was over and all of the comfort from our family and friends was ending also. I found the Shiva very comforting and it really made me feel safe and secure. Now the Shiva was over and now what?
I woke up the next morning and most everyone was back doing what they normally do except for a small few of us. Now what? Why is it that everyone is back doing what they normally do when my world has been shattered, my world has ended. I thought to myself how can people just move on when my world has ended!!!! Only years later did I figure that one out. That yes, life goes on and people move on. That the world doesn't stop for anybody. It took me about 4 years to figure that out but for that moment I just couldn't understand how!
To be continued....
xox
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)